Long time, no see! Every time I come on here, I do so with the genuine intent of being more consistent. I’ll say that this time is no different — but by now it also seems to be a promise I’m bad at keeping. All I know is that this space calls me frequently, and every now and then I choose to respond. So here I am.
Most of the time, I feel compelled when I think what’s on my mind can be of help or relevance to those who find my thoughts and sentiments worth considering. This kind of “opportunity” is given particularly in times of struggle — and when the unexpected is to be expected. I guess this sets the stage for what I explain next.
Let’s just say this year hasn’t gone according to plan. I won’t go into detail with why and how, but the short of it is that I’ve felt the need to prioritize family in a more potent way than ever before, rendering my year unpredictable and my plans in need of significant change. It’s been a heavy time, to say the least — but frankly, the synopsis makes no difference re: the point I hope to make here. Well, other than the fact that it might indicate what I’m more likely to write about in the weeks and months ahead (and in due course, I may be able to provide more context).
I know I’m preaching to the choir here. All of us will have some idea of what it means to have one’s life get turned upside down (thanks, pandemic). Of course, I’m equally no stranger to it. But this time around, ahead of this year, I really felt like the worst part was going to be over. That I finally, after years of being in limbo and having challenged myself to the point of having my comfort zone rendered non-existent, was going to come to an end. But no — that’s not what life had in store for me this year (at least thus far). Instead, it’s thrown me curve-balls of a magnitude I’ve never come across before. To use Marco’s words: “it really seems like a massive test thrown right at you.”
Some of it is, of course, a choice. But the challenges we choose also yield opportunities to build the courage and self-awareness to come to terms with the consequences. Yes, it still gets difficult — but I have no reason, at least beyond the occasional instinct, to complain about challenges posed by running our company. Not everyone may have the choice, but I know I’m part of the privileged lot who can always stop when it gets difficult, and take a comfortable, high-paying job in many places that I’m sure would be somewhat tolerable to work at. It’s just not what I want. I want and choose to build FuzeQube — with all its challenges. So, that is not the sort of struggle we’re talking about here (in fact, building FuzeQube together with Marco has remained one of the real bright spots of my life since we started).
The struggle is really with the challenges that leave us without choice, other than to suck it up and take the hit. The ones where we’re like “… Why? And why me?”. We’ve all been there. And yet, for some odd reason and with potent naivete, we seem to be under the impression that if we do well in the facets of life that we can control, that somehow these challenges, beyond our locus of control, will cease to exist. Spoiler alert — that’s not how it works, and we set ourselves up for devastating disappointment when we think it does.
It is admittedly true that we can temper some of the effects these hardships might pose by tending to ourselves. What I’m facing currently is of the same weight as some of the worst I’ve faced in the past. The difference is that I’m now managing it better through stronger habits and non-negotiables. I sleep like a baby; I get my exercise in; I eat healthy; I don’t let work suffer; and when it’s too much, I know better how to give myself a breather. That does, however, not take away from the fact that parts of the situation remain unbearable, and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. Sometimes, you just have to let the bus hit you and hope for the best.
But… what if that just isn’t true? What if you can avoid the hits? We’d love that, wouldn’t we? More importantly, if we really don’t have a choice in these situations, why is it that we so often end up beating ourselves up about it? Why make it worse than it already is? Why not settle for the difficulty posed by the situation itself and instead have the natural inclination to fan the flames?
My theory is that we engage in some form of self-loathing, with next-to-no awareness. In instances of severe struggle, many of us end up blaming ourselves for a situation beyond our control and, worse yet, for feeling the way we do. It manifests itself in countless statements we make, either in conversation or our heads, wishing we were different so that we could better manage the difficulty we’re going through, or avoid it altogether. Some examples:
“Why am I so naive? I never learn.”
“Why do I let it get to me? I wish I cared less.”
“Why did I put myself out there in the first place? I let this happen to me.”
Could it be that the self-loathing we experience may derive from the fact that we do truly believe that there is more we could have done to feel different about any given situation (whose outcome was always going to be beyond our control)? It’s with the hope of finding a solution to the concerns posed by this type of statement that we go for the last resort — changing who we are to fit the mold of the situation. Shapeshifting, if you will.
I can assure you, however, that this approach represents an awfully reductionist view of what those “inevitable” hardships actually mean. Shapeshifting is not a solution — it’s a defense mechanism. Yes, we entertain it because we think we’ll get hurt more than if we don’t, and that may be true — at least in the short-term. But we lie to ourselves to make it possible to entertain. And, when we engage in it too heavily, we lose sight of who we are and what we inherently care for.
So, do we then really not have a choice in these situations? In some sense, it seems we do. We can always shapeshift to tell ourselves we are who we really aren’t, and fake it until we “make” it. It does work on occasion (I speak from gruesome past experience). Yet those with the strongest personalities instead choose to subject themselves to the suffering — but not in a masochistic way. In fact, I don’t think there is anything more human than to surrender oneself to the inevitabilities of life.
Many of the choices we make entail embracing things we consider good and rewarding. Friends. Hobbies. Habits. Experiences. But all that is good, comes with the risk of losing that which is good. To have it, we must be okay with giving it up, and experiencing the "bad” that comes with the good. Finding one’s best friend or life partner is a non-starter if one doesn’t entertain the possibility of interacting with those who may not be either of those things. A love for fitness will have a very depressing outcome if one expects to be moving as well in one’s sixties as in one’s twenties. And, even an intended lifelong relationship with one’s forever love is impossible if both parts aren’t fine with being the one to be left alone in old age. These are somewhat upsetting realities — but none of it is in vain.
These pains are the result of having experienced the most powerfully authentic experiences life has to offer. And yes, passing up on them is anyone’s prerogative. I just don’t think most people would want to give that up (assuming they are aware of that being the result of their (in)action). Some of us even go as far as saying that suffering is a necessary state of mind that reaps rewards for those looking to challenge their minds and grow as people. I count myself as part of that group — but unequivocally beautiful experiences that define the quality and purpose of one’s life I believe are a far greater reason to withstand suffering than that which is entirely self-afflicted. As this entire post seeks to address, life is filled with struggle as it is — if one manages to see the beauty in that, the war is won no matter how many battles are lost.
The question I’m posing is: do we really want the struggle to end, knowing the consequences? I’ve found that the answer is no. Speaking for myself, that is. Let me know your thoughts. :)
/Bardi